Thursday, 14 August 2014
This is a currently link up with Ot and Et and Harvesting Kale who every week provide inspiration in the form of 5 words. This week, the words are searching, wearing, needing, moving, eating.
I have been searching for some emotional solid ground. I think I'm getting there.
Most of what I've been wearing has been black leggings, black tunics, black vans. I do have colours, but it's been a hidey sort of week for me, and since age 14 most of my wardrobe has been black.
I decided to come off anti depressants without too much planning, and I did all my research about how that might be after I'd taken the step, and as a consequence I have been needing a huge amount of reassurance and hiding time. It was a quick plunge back into that winter of tears and terror and absolute hopelessness. I needed reassurance that the person I was being wasn't just my pre meds me (with my impaired, grief soaked thinking I thought that maybe I'd just forgotten and despairing and weak was my default when I wasn't taking citalopram, but Snake said no), and I needed reassurance that not the whole world is evil, and that the despair would pass, which it seems to be.
A good friend, a really good friend, is moving with her family to live in this small town. That is the move that it on my mind, in a very happy way. And Goldie and the girl and I are off to the coast tomorrow with Ms M who has asked her to join us in a barn she has rented. Moving to the seaside for a few days of walks and air and an intention to swim in the sea. Not something done lightly on the East coast of England.
We have been eating whatever we can find as a result of not getting it together to shop, which has been fine, in fact. There are usually lentils and tins and some frozen stuff. Tonight we're going to scrape together something that looks like a meal people eat, because Peel is coming to join us. Whatever, it will be fine.
(This morning, for the first time in a while, it really does feel like things are going to be OK).
Next week, the themes are calling, lighting, making, watching, planning.