Thursday, 14 August 2014

Currently


This is a currently link up with Ot and Et and Harvesting Kale who every week provide inspiration in the form of 5 words. This week, the words are searching, wearing, needing, moving, eating.

I have been searching for some emotional solid ground. I think I'm getting there.

Most of what I've been wearing  has been black leggings, black tunics, black vans. I do have colours, but it's been a hidey sort of week for me, and since age 14 most of my wardrobe has been black.

I decided to come off anti depressants without too much planning, and I did all my research about how that might be after I'd taken the step, and as a consequence I have been needing a huge amount of reassurance and hiding time. It was a quick plunge back into that winter of tears and terror and absolute hopelessness. I needed reassurance that the person I was being wasn't just my pre meds me (with my impaired, grief soaked thinking I thought that maybe I'd just forgotten and despairing and weak was my default when I wasn't taking citalopram, but Snake said no), and I needed reassurance that not the whole world is evil, and that the despair would pass, which it seems to be.

A good friend, a really good friend, is moving with her family to live in this small town. That is the move that it on my mind, in a very happy way. And Goldie and the girl and I are off to the coast tomorrow with Ms M who has asked her to join us in a barn she has rented. Moving to the seaside for a few days of walks and air and an intention to swim in the sea. Not something done lightly on the East coast of England.

We have been eating whatever we can find as a result of not getting it together to shop, which has been fine, in fact. There are usually lentils and tins and some frozen stuff. Tonight we're going to scrape together something that looks like a meal people eat, because Peel is coming to join us.  Whatever, it will be fine.

(This morning, for the first time in a while, it really does feel like things are going to be OK).

Next week, the themes are calling, lighting, making, watching, planning.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, I hope everything is ok with you. Are you planning to go back on the anti-depressants or to tough this out? I'm so curious and concerned about this choice. And wishing you a wonderful, safe time at the coast. Lots of warm faces and sleeping with cool breezes washing over you.

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  2. It will be OK! I struggled in the past with anxiety that caused depression. For many months, I wouldn't even leave my house. I ended up taking anti-depressants for a while, but something just didn't feel right so I stopped, bought books, began to see things differently. I know that anxiety isn't the same as depression, but I know it has become so much better for me. I know that you will find yourself too.

    One of my favorite sayings is this... Keep your face to the Sun and the shadows will always fall behind you.

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    1. Thank you. I spend a lot of time scanning the sky, looking for the sun or the moon, or whatever else if giving out light up there. Well done on getting through, on finding the route that works for you x

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